Christopher Stafford, 29, has experienced the world through both work and leisure. He gives Seen readers his opinion on the gay scenes around the world and how he feels returning to his home of Liverpool.
To you I am just a name, not even a face in the crowd, simply a stranger. Yet I have no doubt we will relate to each other on some level. I have lived my life running around in circles, it is a habit of mine. I fled the city of Liverpool and its gay scene at 17 years old. I found the city hostile towards my sexuality, intolerant to the life choice I didn’t make, my sexuality was just a natural part of me. I never fought it because it felt so right.
I was living a life uncommon in a city were differences just didn’t seem accepted or appreciated. After a gruelling five years at The Alsop High School, Walton which can only be compared to mental torture by the daily jibes and insults that came my way, I was longing to connect to something where I felt I could belong. As soon as I could I found the gay bars and the escapism I longed for a few moments. Yet I had hoped for more, much more. While the music lifted my spirits, when the music stopped it all looked so sad. The men dancing alongside me seem despondent. Everything seem so disenchanted to what I had hoped.
It was sleazy; a visit one evening to the Curzon made me feel fearful and awkward - not great emotions to add to my already confused state of mind. The bars just seemed hidden away shamefully, surely the inadequate feelings I felt at school wouldn’t continue into my adulthood?
After a scary encounter with a man 11 years older I fled the city to save my sanity. Coming full circle at 29 years old I have returned home, in the absence of fear, to Liverpool.
After travelling all over the world never really settling anywhere fully it is daunting to return to the place that once made me feel an outcast, but ultimately it is my home but has the city learned to embrace one another’s differences. Is being a gay man or woman here any different to living elsewhere? Could the city of Liverpool, the one I ran away from, be the city I finally end up settling in?
Through the roles of holiday rep and cabin crew I have seen the world. From San Francisco to Bali, Hawaii to Singapore and everywhere in between. I have been based in Manchester for eight years, both in a relationship and single.
So coming home I have a lot to compare Liverpool to. The gay culture the world over is the same. I have seen the struggle for acceptance in the Middle East, Indian guys loving in secret and gay men and woman the world over all looking for love in all the wrong places. The gay scene differs from place to place, the drag queens might be more extravagant, the men more beautiful, the lights brighter, the music louder, but the heart of it is always the same. The feel good factor. The people might speak different languages but there are always the same characters, the one everyone wants to get with, the one everyone has been with, the one looking for love, the one who wants to scream he is gay from the rooftops, the one who is too good for anyone, the one with the acid tongue and the one who lives his life on the gay scene every night of his life because being gay has become his life totally consumed by gay culture.
On my own journey I found lust, love, real love, amazing friends and fair weather friends. I have been used like we all have and I have laughed and cried in equal measure. I found the happiness I was looking for at times and lost it at others. But most importantly through the people I met and formed great bonds with I became a level headed person who will chat to anyone.
Travel really did allow me to grow into myself, give me the confidence to be myself and the independence to stand on my own two feet. Living in Manchester in between travelling , I also saw the rise and fall of Canal St.
On leaving Manchester it was sad to see a place that was a haven for me at one point become such a rough, scary street where internalised homophobia stood next to ‘hen do curiosity’. It became a bubble for so many people who eat, drink, live and breathe down that village. It just wasn’t what it used to be a common feeling by many gay people there.
I personally don’t want to only exist in places where the rainbow flag flies high, I’m far too free spirited for that. I worry for some friends that if the diet of casual sex, glitter, camp and cheap drinks was no longer available could they stand tall without that fix of the gay scene, especially in Manchester.
After changing job roles, arriving back in Liverpool an adult with lessons unlearned I was intrigued and apprehensive to see what the city could offer me. I wasn’t the only one that had grown, Liverpool to me on first glance seemed comparatively unrecognisable. Tourism seemed strong, a mix of different people and characters. It seemed more cosmopolitan. Hearing that accent again I felt like I was truly home but still unsettled. Of course after meeting up with friends it was time for a night out. Firstly the Albert Dock and then up into the gay scene. Everywhere seemed bigger, more frequented and the age range on a wider spectrum.
After walking around from bar to bar I was yet to hear faggot shouted from a crowded bus stop or from men smoking outside. First impressions seemed ok. But I remained dubious. On entering The Lisbon it felt like the last twelve years melted away, some recognisable faces who on speaking to had continued to live in the pattern of the Masq, the Lisbon etc.
That’s fair enough, but there is a world out there, be a part of it! It is too early to tell if Liverpool has won me over, will the man of my dreams be sat with a pint in his hand at The Masquerade? probably not - but I’m optimistic in getting to know the city again and who know where this journey will lead…
Christopher’s regular blogs will be coming to http://www.seenmag.co.uk